The people from your past think they know you.
Let them be.
Who among us has not changed beyond recognition since somebody somewhere knew us?
Do
they know the impact of the books you have read since their departure?
The poetry that previously left you unaffected, and now move you to
tears? Have they any idea of the new connections you have built, the new
insights you gleaned? Can they fathom the fresh pain you plumbed? The
new cultures you have exposed yourself to? The everyday experiences that
reshaped you through unrecognisable moulds?
The
trillions of body cells that have altered you completely... were they
slaves of mere biology? What about the effect of new ideology, new
ideas, new emotions, rediscovered humaneness?
You
are the fast-moving clay on the potter's wheel. You change every instant
within every instant. You live and breathe through all those changes,
eternally yourself. Yet, when you catch a glimpse of your past, you
wonder about that stranger in the album. What unseen forces changed you?
Was it the churn of the potter? And who is that potter? Time, destiny,
or your own hand, taking it into itself, leading you into that gateway
of the unknown?
Red Curry and Green Earth
Things evolve. So will this blog.
Tuesday, January 7, 2025
The Changing You
Monday, July 1, 2024
The champion moment
I have been in my old hometown Mumbai when we (India) played the semi-finals and finals of the last two World Cups that we won. In 2011, a ghostwriting assignment took me there. This time, it was a corporate workshop. In 2011, I missed the first over of the semi-finals against Pakistan because I hadn't yet landed in Mumbai. This time, I missed the final over of the finals against South Africa because my flight took off. Such symmetry seems unbelievable, doesn't it?
Anyway, there I was, rising quickly to 25000 feet, despondently looking at my mobile screen, wishing for a crystal ball to peek into the Kensington Oval cricket ground in Barbados. From the brink of defeat, our pacers had almost taken us to victory. Now, I was missing that crucial moment when we would either end the drought or repeat a familiar stumble at the final step.
The aircraft crossed the Queen's Necklace shoreline and took a sharp turn to the South East. I craned my neck to watch that familiar curved coastline recede into the background. I reckoned that enough time had passed for the match to have concluded. A thought occurred to me: had we won, people would be bursting crackers. Why am I not seeing any explode down there? Will the burst of crackers even be visible at this height?
I mulled over this unknown fact for a few minutes. Another thought popped up: had we won, wouldn't the captain announce it to us? After all, the aircraft was filled with people more eager to hear the news than to land safely. That could only mean one thing: we had lost.
The lights of the aircraft came on and the flight attendants began serving meals. And then, that much-awaited sound - the crackle of a microphone coming alive way ahead of schedule. It was the pilot who had heard the news from Air Traffic Control. India had won the World Cup. A wave of relief washed over me. The monkey was off our backs. While others clapped and recorded the meme-worthy moment, I looked out of the widow at a darker countryside, feeling bright.
I suddenly felt empty. I reached into my seat's pocket and fished out the book I had been reading - The Gift of Therapy by Irvin D. Yalom. As it turns out, therapy has a part to play even in moments of success and joy.
Sunday, December 17, 2023
My limited animal world
This story features a bat, a Pomeranian, a clowder of cats, a Cocker Spaniel, three snakes, a Squirrel Monkey, a green bird of unknown pedigree, a pair of Toucans and a Mithun. But you will see through the facade and know that the story is really about my inability to connect meaningfully with the animal world.
I have been an abstract champion of the animal world, intellectually understanding the need to be humble about our place in the world, the importance of biodiversity and its role in combating climate change. I know animals of all kinds make the world a better, a more interesting place. Cognitively, I am there. Emotionally, not so much.
Perhaps the heroic existence of the animals I describe would eclipse my own incidental part in the story. Here goes...
Episode 1: The awning bat
We had just 170 sq.ft to call our home in Mumbai, and we defended it against bird and beast alike, The one time a young rat (moonjuru in Tamil) entered our home, we lost our cable connection to gnawing and our peace of mind to the eeriness of the situation, and we did not sleep well till we stayed up half the night to chase it out.
It is in this context that a bat made the half-broken sheet-metal window awning outside our room its home. Despite its diminutive size, it scared me; its penchant to claw across the blue netting of the window triggered vampire nightmares. In the weeks in which we made amateurish attempts to evict it, something shifted in me. Fear gave way to curiosity and I began to wonder about this organism that favoured this incredibly inhospitable crevice for a home. Thick traffic, unruly cricketers and pressure cooker whistles must have disturbed its daytime slumber. It braved all these stimuli unlike me, who couldn't tolerate its mere sight. For the first time, I questioned my claims over the world. I was too young to comprehend that I was challenging the basic tenets of rights, boundaries and the idea of the insider versus the outsider.
Episode 2: Feeling Sweety in Pune
The family into which my aunt married had a risky Pomeranian named Sweety who had coopted herself into a Tam Brahm diet and happily consumed sakara pongal (jaggery rice) instead of a crunchy bone. Sharing space with an animal indoors was a daunting experience for the timid 11-year-old that I was. But the experience came with rewards. One evening, I was allowed to take Sweety for her evening walk. While it was she who led me, I felt weirdly powerful for a few minutes.
Episode 3: Sparrows in Milwaukee
With the temperature dropping to 25 below zero in winter, the twelve minute walk from my home to my office in downtown Milwaukee felt like an unending series of steps. En route, I would pass the backside of a Greek restaurant where, if it was sunny and I was lucky, I would find sparrows. Exactly like the ones from my childhood, the ones that every Indian city housed before CDMA airwaves took them away. They would peck nonchalantly at invisible food on the frozen ground and I would marvel at their ability to be outside without ever having visited the Burlington Coat Factory.
Episode 4: An experience in ammonia
I briefly dated a woman - who I till date consider to be one of the kindest people I have ever met. When I visited her place, I was immediately enveloped by the powerful pull of ammonia. She had three cats, if memory serves me right. I felt awkward, unsure of my next step. But watching her immense love for those feline lives was an experience in itself. A humbling one, in which I questioned for the nth time my inability to connect that broadly and deeply.
Episode 5: Ginger in Yelahanka
When my best friend brought home a cocker spaniel, it felt as if I now had a pet, considering how much time I spent at his home. Ginger, as she was called, was her own person, defiantly disobedient and capable of mesmerising bursts of energy. In the presence of the second dog in my life, I learnt that humans are not the only species with such distinct personalities. I did not know this obvious truth in my late 30s, which should tell you how dissociated I truly am from life as we know it on this planet.
Episode 6: The downtown King Cobra
I have crossed paths with snakes many times in Bangalore. I saw a ritual of two snakes rearing their heads as high as they could, and till date, I'm unsure if they were fighting or warming up for procreation. Another time, a snake almost slithered over my feet in a footpath in Yelahanka. But my most majestic snake sighting happened during the pandemic. Since I lived on the edge of downtown, I used to walk through empty arterial roads on most evenings. One day, walking bang in the middle of Cubbon Road, I saw a King Cobra move with deliberate slowness across the asphalt. I mustn't have been more than twenty feet away from it, but I felt no fear. I felt awe. I remember looking around at the downtown structures just to remind myself that I was in an urban jungle before turning my attention back to the king.
Episode 7: Squirrel monkey in Mudumalai
It was a humble resort in Mudumalai, adjoining a brook. Dawn had erupted, but the mist kept the sun at bay. I thought I would spend the morning staring at fast-flowing water. Instead, I was regaled by a black-and-white squirrel monkey darting up and down the tree in which it was nesting, collecting food as if Armageddon was upon us. "Just the pandemic," I wanted to reassure it. "Armageddon is a decade away."
Episode 8: Scolding in Davangere
During one of the many solo bike trips I made during the pandemic, I checked into a hotel room in Davangere and went to a window to look at the squalid heap of garbage adjoining the railway tracks. A few moments later, a small bird - couldn't have been more than a few centimetres long - landed on the perch of the window, speaking a million words. With the window fastened, I did not hear its voice, but its expressive eyes suggested that it was scolding me even as it dazzled me with its radium green body, set against a beige flat beak. A moment later, it seemed to realise that I was a stranger, not the human with whom it could take liberties (such as scolding). It flew away, rendering the scenery unbearably drab.
Episode 9: Toucans in flight
The first post-pandemic solo bike trip was to Valparai. One mid-morning, I was walking on an embankment overlooking a tea plantation set in a shallow valley. Without warning, a toucan resting on a bare tree took flight. A moment later, its mate followed suit. I watched the couple glide across the valley, their black-and-yellow plumage so vivid, I could have sworn they were but a furlong away. The more than 1000km round trip had become worth it in those few seconds during which the two birds revealed their majesty in flight.
Episode 10: Mithun in Arunachal
With two appointments in Itanagar the next day, I was immensely fortunate to hitch a ride in a car going to the state capital from Ziro. We set off at 11pm and drove through most of the night through nonexistent roads, covering around 20 kilometres an hour. On one of the thousand bumpy stretches, the driver braked to give way to a Mithun crossing the road. The great beast looked at our headlights with an expression that said, "Surely you are more cultured than to flash me with those bright ones?" On cue, the driver switched off the lights. "That's better!" the Mithun seemed to say before ambling away. The nonexistent road did not seem so lonely after that.
I hope to add many more episodes during the remainder of my lifetime. I'd be so lucky if I managed to do that.
Wednesday, September 20, 2023
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday, my love.
Today, you face the world as an adult. How I wish I could share this moment with you, understand your thoughts and feelings, feel proud and nostalgic. None of those things were in my destiny.
I just hope that one day, long after I'm gone, you read this post and know that you were dearly missed.
Saturday, October 3, 2020
Rebooting with a mass extinction
Pic credit: eartharchives.org |
Pic credit: universetoday.com |
- A few super volcanos located in today's Siberia went berserk. Over a
period of time, this caused a global warming, with ocean temperatures
rising by around 10 deg C. As
temperatures rose and the metabolism of marine animals sped up, the
warmer waters could not hold enough oxygen for them to survive.The asphyxiating effect was accentuated by the high acidity of the water as well as metal and sulfide poisoning. This is, as of now, the most widely-accepted theory.
- An asteroid hit the earth, creating noxious gases, a long-lasting blockage of the sun, a drop in temperature and corrosive acid snow and rain. Even after the clouds cleared, carbon-dioxide from fires and decaying matter led to global warming that lasted for millions of years.
- Perhaps the lack of ice caps during the late Permian led to a stagnation of oceanic currents. Without convective currents, anoxic water (anoxia means the lack of oxygen) could have built up. Usually, anoxic water would have remained in the deepest parts of the ocean, but now, it spilled up into shallow water. Even as marine life got smothered, the sea level rose.
- The lack of oceanic currents might have had another corollary effect. When oceanic bacteria eat organic matter, they expel bicarbonate. Without currents, this collection of bicarbonate grew. Bicarbonate-laden water rose from below, depressurized and dissolved bicarbonate escaped as CO2. The oceans bubbled like a mug of beer.
Each theory is as vivid as it is horrifying. As a complete novice to paleontology, oceanography and evolution, I am proud to parrot the wisdom of scientists operating those realms. And my foray into the past was to attempt to understand our present and make peace with our role in shaping it.
For the first time in Earth's history, it hosts a species that is capable of creating and accelerating chaos. Humans are capable of making materials and products that don't decay, but must be dumped on the planet's surface and oceans. We also have shown remarkable finesse in accelerating the era of global warming, which would have lasted tens of thousands of years, and bringing the planet to the brink of being inhospitable right here, right now.
If we continue to be foolish and press the nuke button on Mother Nature's forehead, well, we will deserve to perish. But it is heartwarming to know that this planet has seen worse in the past and has recovered without many scars. Perhaps this time around, Nature will evolve species that feed on plastic, concrete and metal alloys just to accelerate the obliteration of our presence. But soon enough - perhaps in a few million years - our devastating presence will become undetectable to the naked eye. Earth will recover. We won't matter. Thank Earth for that.
Wednesday, August 12, 2020
7 great blessings of the pandemic
1. The world is literally greener
2. Moving from nation to species
3. If we find the will, we will find a way
4. A boost to sustainable living
5. Millennials and delayed gratification
"They have been fed everything on a golden spoon. The spoon was there, at the right place, when they needed it. They don't feel grateful and they can't delay the pleasures for which they will remain ungrateful."6. Relationship arc accelerated
Relationship expert Esther Perel, known for her insightful TED talks, has noticed that the pandemic has created an excess of (or the complete absence of) alone time. These extremes are compounded by thoughts of mortality. All relationships are, therefore, fast-tracked to where they would be a few years down the line. We are witnessing more pregnancies, breakups, separations and divorces.
7. Self development & health
A final word
50 years from now, those of us who will be alive will look at the pandemic as one of the greatest challenges in their lives. Will they also see it as the moment in history where humankind took a U-turn to live a saner, more holistic and sustainable life?
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
The Toxic Binary
This is a cognitive distortion in which a person feels they have only two options to choose from. For example, with a mushrooming of polarizing political leaders, a lot of us feel like we must either love this leader or hate him. We cannot see a third choice.
Sample this: a wife feels de-stressed when she goes on a walk by herself. But her husband has begun insisting on joining her. She has told him she wants to go by herself, and that has not worked. She begins to think: I can either go by myself and be selfish. Or I can allow him to accompany me and be sacrificing.
Can you see that there is no victory in either choice? She wants to be neither selfish nor sacrificing. But her mind is not presenting her a third choice. This is the Toxic Binary.
Can you think of win-win solutions for this woman?
In a starker example, a middle-aged man is feeling suicidal. He is ashamed about a particular behaviour he has exhibited in the past. Now, he feels he has only two choices: he could either continue to live and force his family to share his shame. Or he could die and spare them the agony of feeling that shame.
It stands to reason that the hold of Toxic Binary thinking over our minds is the greatest when our emotions are at their peak of intensity. We will not be able to see a third choice and that makes us despair. At this juncture, we need somebody who can help us differentiate between fact and perception.
When I feel this and other cognitive distortions, I reach out to a list of people who can help me. Whom do you reach out to when your mind becomes your enemy?
Pic credit: http://clipart-library.com
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Shall we invade now?
"Where's Arrgh? I must know the truth about these life forms in this suburban blue-green planet. Ah, there you are."
"Hail Captain!" said Arrgh. "My report is ready. I apologize it took so long. But these life forms are indecipherable."
"That's an understatement, isn't it? Look at them. They have millions of vessels that can fly, yet so few of them are up in the air. They have a billion vessels that crawl fast, and most of these are kept stationary next to their homes. They have pathways that can take them from one end of the continent to another, but the life forms stay indoors, as if they don't care. I am reminded of our ancient Emperor who created a kingdom of gold, but spent his lifetime on the balcony of the palace, wondering about the sun and the moon. Our folklore tells us that the Emperor was a fool. Can the same be said about these life forms?"
"I cannot say for sure," replied Arrgh.
"You are my expert analyst of alien civilizations," snapped Zeen. "Say something useful."
"I don't know if you consider this useful, Captain, but I have three possible explanations for what we see."
"Let's hear them."
"The first explanation is that these life forms believe in the supremacy of inner exploration. They perceive that to be more important than exploring their world. They reached a threshold point in their civilization where they realized that no amount of success and wealth can make them happy. So they have created a culture of finding happiness within themselves. They venture out only to carry food back to their homes. They probably consume very little."
"I remember conquering one such civilization in the seventh galaxy from home," said Zeen. "But they were spartan life forms. The surface of that planet showed no signs of ambition. These life forms, on the other hand... our scanners detected high-grade chemical weapons. Why are they armed to the teeth if they are all about inner exploration?"
"That is a great question. I confess to not knowing the answer. Would you like to hear the second possible explanation?"
"Only if it is better than the first."
"Well, our scanners show that these life forms harvested, manufactured and burnt chemicals in stella-tons till very recently. They polluted their water bodies, made their air toxic and bathed the food they ate with chemicals. They seem to have organized themselves into nations of varying sizes and when one nation didn't like another, they hurled chemicals at each other. At some recent point in their civilization, they must have realized that they were doing nothing more than killing each other while killing themselves. So they decided to mend their ways and honour their water, their air and their earth."
"This is even more of a ridiculous idea than the first," said Zeen. "Didn't we conquer a poisoned planet one stella-year ago? Was it in the ninth or tenth galaxy we visited? Ninth, I think. Those life forms knew that they were poisoning their precious water, air and earth. Did they stop? NO. When the water could no longer be drunk, they drank blood straight from each other's freshly-cleaved chests. After a point, life forms opt to become savages, not saints. Water, air and earth get poisoned in a thousand stella-years. Life forms except for us cannot think beyond a couple of stella-years. That's why we have been such successful conquerors."
"I agree," said Arrgh. "The third explanation is the most possible. Sometime in the recent past, these life forms faced a new enemy. An enemy that even our scanners cannot detect. So they were forced to abandon their glorious vessels and their glorious paths and take sanctuary in their own homes. This enemy has united them. Look, this small peninsula here is called North Korea. It seems to be the land of megalomaniacs. But the behaviour of life forms here is no different from the behaviour of life forms in this other nation here... Denmark. Something drastic must have happened for this warring planet to become so homogeneous and resort to a life of quiet reflection and severe caution."
"You make sense finally, Arrgh. If what you say is true, our visit is well-timed. We can stamp our authority on them when they are weak. They will surrender to our will in no time."
"I wouldn't be so sure, Captain Zeen. If what I say is true, then these life forms must have been disorganized from the beginning of time. And now they are united in the way they live and the way they acknowledge their interconnectedness with each other. They are weakened, but they are not weak. Let me remind you of the high-grade chemical weapons. Unlike in other planets, we will have to fight all of them together in order to win. Do you fancy our chances?"
Captain Zeen fell into deep thought, clicking his three forefingers together in enviable synchronicity. Finally, he said:
"Do you think they will stay united? Should we wait?"
Monday, July 23, 2018
How many second chances do we get?
At this very moment, on the outskirts of your polluted city, a vegetable is fattening up by robbing nutrients from the elements. It isn't keen to provide nourishment to you and your loved ones, but it will do so.
At this very moment, somewhere in your vicinity, so close that you can almost smell it, a flower is pushing up against the soil, aspiring for sunshine and colour. It isn't keen on adding beauty to your world, but it will do so.
The cow doesn't give us milk. We take it from her, Nature does not exist for our pleasure or gain, but we derive both from her. We have more in common with nature and less in common with money. So when we choose money over nature, are we siding with our neighbours over our family? Is that the true meaning of the phrase Love Thy Neighbour?
Here are a few shocking facts of today:
1) Food aggregators are more important than food producers. The farmer sells to the wholesaler who sells to the retailer who sells to the chef who sells to the food aggregator (Swiggy, Zomato, what have you). We value the player closest to us and damn the one farthest from us. Guess who we can do without? And even when we do value the roots of the supply chain, we infuse the "organic sustainable locally-grown" food with an aura of awe. This was supposed to be natural, not special.
2) When I searched for "natural beauty" on Google, I got a bevy of ads for skincare products and procedures. I had to revise my search string to "beauty of nature." We have usurped the meaning of "natural."
3) The most successful political leaders of today are those who can point out to "us" who the "other" is. They have successfully divided us. Nature binds us together. From the equator to the poles, from Greenwich Meridian to Greenwich Meridian, we are connected together by an intricate network of winds, mountains, water bodies, deserts, forests and glaciers. Again, just to be clear, this equilibrium isn't keen to make our life on the planet pleasant. It just developed thus and it might continue being so if we don't tip it into the abyss of anarchy.
4) We have given up on any economic framework other than capitalism. You could be as spellbound as a citizen of Communistic China or as spellbound as a citizen of Consumeristic California... you have the illusion of political choice, but you no longer have a fig leaf of economic choice. Greed has been declared the most important human emotion and ambition without an economic dimension is now the biggest sign of lunacy. If you want to become a CEO, you can read books that help you. If you want to propagate a sustainable way of living, they will make a documentary on you.
Today, a news article declared how the Arabian Sea spat back tonnes of garbage onto the shores of Mumbai. Those fond of metaphors see a sign of intelligent nature here. Nature is neither intelligent nor dumb. It is merely beautiful and wholesome. Nature doesn't care whether we live or die. If we choose the path of self-aggrandizement and myopia, we will perish. Nature will live on. It will find a new equilibrium, albeit a less inspiring one. But then, intelligent life may not be around to be inspired.
Before we conquer the stars, we must bow down to the earth. Do we have the humility to do so? Or do we need a few million more second chances to acknowledge the humility of choice?
Sunday, March 11, 2018
5 ways in which capitalism is like addiction
Pic Credit: StethNews |
At first glance, capitalism seems to be the opposite of addiction. The capitalist is supposed to be enriching himself whereas the addict is clearly robbing himself of vitality. Yet, the two exhibit startling similarities.
It takes all kinds of people to make the world. Neither the addict nor the capitalist is a monolith. Having acknowledged that, let us try and explore the comparison by taking the typical, pure addict and the typical, pure capitalist.
1) Both claim that their behaviour is crucial for their survival
Let us remember that addiction comes in various flavours - one can be addicted to substances, emotions, relationships and activities. It's perhaps reasonably accurate to state that all of us are addicts in one way or another. And we claim to find raison d'ĂȘtre - meaning, purpose, joy and whatnot via our addictions. Nowhere is this more obvious than in work addiction.
Similarly, the capitalist believes that it is this economic model alone makes existence not just viable but also pleasurable. As an added bonus, the capitalist will point to the animal kingdom and misquote Charles Darwin. Survival of the fittest. Civilization cannot deviate from the natural order of things, s/he would say, oblivious of the irony.
2) Short-term matters more than long-term
An addict jouncing for a fix does not care whether s/he will suffer serious health implications. All that matters is the next shot of dopamine. A modern business enterprise is similarly interested only in the next quarterly results, totally mindless of the impact of rampant consumerism on the planet's ecology.
The capitalist and addict are like Nero fiddling on the roof, like the rats following their distinct Pied Pipers to their doom.
3) In a crises, both behave
When the addiction lands the addict in hospital, fear overpowers desire. The addict will follow the doctor's orders, keep a check on cravings and make a sincere attempt to turn over a new leaf. This healthy attitude can quickly dissipate when the danger has passed and the hazard retreats into the horizon.
Exactly the same thing happens when a mammoth business enterprise that has gorged on dollars finds itself in a financial crises. At that time, the capitalist will willingly stop believing that markets must self-regulate. For a brief period, the enterprise will even listen to the government bailing it out. And once the crisis becomes history, so does the changed behaviour.
Perhaps both the capitalist and the addict know deep in their hearts that their transformation is only for the audience.
4) Both tend to inherit behaviour
Neither money nor addiction is inevitable for the next generation. But there is a fair chance that both will be inherited. A second-generation addict becomes numb to the artificial nature of addiction even before experiencing their first fix. Similarly, the second-generation capitalist has grown up believing that there is only this one healthy way to look at the creation of wealth, never mind how artificial the notion of wealth has become in mainstream society.
5) Both rationalize their behaviour
We've already covered this, but let us get into some specific dope, pun intended. The addict will point to people who have not been killed by their addiction, just as the capitalist will point to victors of the model. Both will stoically ignore fatalities. The difference is that there are fewer victims of second-hand addiction than of second-hand capitalism. Disempowered children of addicts die in fewer numbers than disempowered people who lose their resources and livelihood to the march of capitalism.
I leave you with a question. Does addiction create capitalists? Is our dependence on substances, emotions, relationships and activities creating our dependence on money?
Does addiction subsume the capitalistic model? Or does the consumeristic mindset of capitalism foster addictions?
The only thing we can be certain about is that together, addiction and capitalism create one potent monster.