7 great blessings of the pandemic

It is with reservations that I bring together the words "pandemic" and "blessings" in the title of this piece. I am aware of the great toll it has taken on the most disenfranchised people around the world. It has also claimed many, many lives and robbed us of time. Clearly, if one is to even begin seeing a blessing in the pandemic, one must necessarily look at future impacts of today's events. That's what I will do in this piece.

Let me also clarify that this is not an ode to gratitude. It will not ask you to stop feeling one way and start feeling another way. It would not remind you that happiness comes from within. Instead, it will attempt to collate facts and extrapolate them with objectivity.

 

Out there, in real space and real time, the world has improved in some ways. Let's see how.

1. The world is literally greener

The Himalayas are now visible from the plains of Uttar Pradesh! As early as April, reports began coming in that Indian rivers are becoming much cleaner, although the situation is not as optimistic as indicated in early reports.I myself witnessed sparrows returning to my neighbourhood in Ulsoor, which is at the heart of Bangalore.

As our industries and vehicles fume less, we are beginning to breathe easy. Last winter, Delhi was barely more habitable than Mars, but during the lockdown, the city's air quality increased by a whopping 79%. And according to a NASA finding (as shown in the image above), the air quality of the entire country stands at a 20-year high.

It is one thing to talk about how we could all strive to create a greener and cleaner world. It is another thing altogether to see this happening in front of us. Surely this is inspiring us to rethink the way we live? Surely we are beginning to see that, without a great deal of sacrifice and effort, we can live in a manner that benefits us as well as our ecosystems?

2. Moving from nation to species

European colonization eventually led to a rise in nationalism all around the world. As indigenous peoples fought for their freedom, they developed distinct nationalistic identities. Nationalism also got promoted by other global events including the two World Wars, countless internecine regional conflicts, and a Cold War that lasted for decades. Over time, we became rather adept at separating ourselves into nation-states. That's why we didn't have a clue about what to do next when faced with a conflict that affected us as a species. Even with its limited mandate, the UN attempted to bring all nations together to discuss the challenge posed by global climate change. The discussion quickly turned into debates that were hijacked and derailed by powerful nations. At one point, the debate was nothing more than a shrill exchange of angst between the developed and developing nations.

Even when we seemed to make progress (like with the Kyoto Protocol), it took an interminable amount of time for us to take the next step - the Paris Accord. And that small gain was summarily dismissed by Trump - a nationalist who, additionally, denies climate change.

Meanwhile, the other powerful idea that promised to bring us together - globalization - merely displaced jobs and prosperity while also increasing the gap between the haves and have-nots. Global trade, as it turned out, made companies richer and nations poorer. It was perhaps inevitable that globalization would eventually lead to an increase in nationalism.

Barring climate change, there seemed to be no issue that could potentially bring us together. And then came the pandemic. A challenge that, like climate change, affected us all. But unlike climate change, materialistic people could deny neither its presence nor its urgency. The pandemic is ideally suited to show us the limitations of the nation-state model of civilization. Viruses and rising oceans have one thing in common - they don't stay confined within borders. They don't care about your flag and anthem.

We are currently not seeing the pandemic create solidarity in the world because nationalists are still holding fort in major power centres. But when they are relegated to the dustbin of history, a new generation of leaders will operate with awareness that we are on this planet together. We will sink or swim together.

Perhaps an era of greater cooperation is just around the corner.

3. If we find the will, we will find a way

Ever since scientists raised their bugles to announce global climate change many decades ago, market fundamentalists have tried to negate the message."What are we supposed to do?" they ask. "Stop consumption, turn the clock, live like peasants? Do you know what will happen to the global economy if all of us limited our lifestyles? Can you imagine the loss of employment and the erosion of the economy?"

Well, in the past many months, hundreds of millions of jobs have been lost. Consumption has been force-cut. People have, willingly or unwillingly, cut back.

We make less, have less, do less. And contrary to predictions, we haven't perished. The idea that what is good for nature will be disastrous for civilization can now be challenged. Granted, we have to find solutions to big problems like employment, healthcare etc. But we can approach those problems while resorting to sustainability. We don't have to choose between Nature and Civilization. We can choose both.

Once the pandemic ends, the markets will take over again and a majority of people, starved of entertainment and freedom, will return to a life of excess. But it is comforting to know that, 15 years from now, when global climate change will become enormously undeniable, we have the ability to hit the brakes and bring down consumption overnight, if that's what it takes. It has been done and it can be done again.

4. A boost to sustainable living

A great majority of us are waiting for the pandemic to end so that we can re-enter a life of excess. Even in this majority, many will reconsider their consumption patterns. They might travel less frequently, make do with fewer material possessions... the extravagant might choose to make do with mere luxury, the luxurious might settle for comfort and so on... One hopes.At the same time, a minority will want to continue living a simple life of few pleasures and many connections.

The overall reduction in consumption might give our species a little more time before we reach the point of irreversible climate change.

5. Millennials and delayed gratification

"They have been fed everything on a golden spoon. The spoon was there, at the right place, when they needed it. They don't feel grateful and they can't delay the pleasures for which they will remain ungrateful."

Millennials have had to endure this unflattering generalization made by older generations. It is not their fault that they were born in an era of enormous social change and technological overhaul. They never had to wait a week to watch the next episode of their favourite television programs. How, pray, did we expect them to embody the stoicism of older generations?

But now, once the pandemic claimed their innumerable outdoor pleasures (leaving them with the solace of only online streaming platforms), millennials are showing us that they are not as fragile as we accused them of being. Many of them have led lonely lives, with few meaningful connections in the real world. But these connections are being fully harnessed and there is a greater acceptance of our shared evolving reality. I have seen this as a counselor and I have heard from my colleagues and friends how they have been pleasantly surprised by millennials.

We rely on millennials to solve our most pressing problems. They have less of the scarcity mindset and they are less obsessed with thoughts of their own families. They actually want to think in broader terms - about community, society, the world... therefore, their resilience is crucial.

6. Relationship arc accelerated

Relationship expert Esther Perel, known for her insightful TED talks, has noticed that the pandemic has created an excess of (or the complete absence of) alone time. These extremes are compounded by thoughts of mortality. All relationships are, therefore, fast-tracked to where they would be a few years down the line. We are witnessing more pregnancies, breakups, separations and divorces.

Those in relationships with strong foundations are using the situation to empathise, adapt and come closer. Those in relationships that never got a solid footing are being splintered in quick time.

Perel reminds us that we, citizens of the modern world, expect meaning, belonging and community from our most important relationships. Those who find these precious elements in relationships are able to stay grounded and optimistic.

Her talk with Trevor Noah helps get a gist of what is happening around the world. As a counselor sitting in a small cove in Bangalore, I have myself counseled 7 couples in the past two months. And I endorse Perel's assessment that all relationships are being accelerated to their futures.

7. Self development & health

Dusty violin cases have been removed from attics. The forgotten Kindle has returned to the bedside table. Flabby tummies are bouncing in waves in badminton courts and lakeside trails. The mid-morning twitter of birds is now enriched by middle-aged vocal chords finding a new lease of life. Yoga videos on YouTube are now as popular as Taylor Swift's new album.

Those of us who are not spiraling into debt or depression are finding new lungs for old passions. We have always complained of not having enough time or energy to cultivate ourselves. Now, all we have to do is convert our commute time to self-development time (that's 3 hours for the average Bangalorean). On cue, the training industry is offering workshops and programs at huge discounted prices.

There has also been a drop in the number of smokers. Smoking, like any addiction, retains its patrons due to the fact that its perils are in the unforeseeable future while its pleasures are right here, right now. But people forced to face their mortality in Covid times are more likely to pay attention to the perils. This is what the Smoker and the Gun thought experiment says.

Keep a gun on a smoker's temple and tell him that he will be shot if he takes another puff. If he is convinced that the bullet will be fired, the smoker will not dare take that puff. The pandemic has become the virtual gun on the temple.

Hopefully, those who have kicked this (and other) addictions will not revert to them.

A final word

50 years from now, those of us who will be alive will look at the pandemic as one of the greatest challenges in their lives. Will they also see it as the moment in history where humankind took a U-turn to live a saner, more holistic and sustainable life?

Curiosity kills the relationship

Curiosity is an incredibly useful emotion, isn't it? As a species, our progress has piggybacked on curiosity. Our prehistoric ancestor who asked, "Can I tame this wild and spontaneous thing called fire?" was exhibiting curiosity. So was Steve Jobs, when he wondered whether the phone can replace all other gadgets.

We are born curious and we die curious - still contemplating the nature of the universe. In between, we utilize curiosity as a fuel for our behaviour.

What we often fail to realize is that curiosity is a double-edged sword. When aimed at ideas, it can lead to glorious discoveries and inventions. When aimed at people, it can lead to all kinds of miseries. True, emotions are non-negotiable and curiosity is a naturally-occurring emotion. So we don't have to question the emotion. Instead, we can question our actions.
 
When we lived in small tribes, we used curiosity to create a phenomenon called gossip. This allowed information to be passed from ear to ear. Eventually, the tribal elder became aware of the information. By knowing that certain members of the tribe were behaving in ways that threatened the tribe, he could take immediate action. Young furtive lovers could be bound together in marriage, disputing couples could be encouraged to resolve their conflicts, bad parents could be asked to mend their ways and so on. Gossip served an important sociological function. Because small tribes could not afford to create a lot of space for individual free will. The tribe would thrive or perish as a whole. That's how it was. That's not how it is today. Modern living has given rise to individualism and all its concomitant blessings and curses.
 

It perhaps makes sense to come up with a set of guidelines to understand how to channel this emotion so that it always remains a constructive force in relationships.

Let me offer a few basic questions we can ask ourselves just as curiosity grabs us by the throat:

1) Is my curiosity proportional to the importance of the relationship?

You have every right to know whether your spouse is cheating on you. But should you invest time, energy and emotions in determining whether your neighbour/ex-lover is cheating on their spouse? If you feel compelled to do so, can you ask: WHY?

Using curiosity, you can determine whether your child's recent behaviour is the result of bullying. Or whether picking up a new sport will make you more vigorous in your workplace. In key relationships - including the relationship we have with ourselves - curiosity can lead to innovation, solutions, growth and newness. 

But misplaced and/or disproportionate curiosity is a warning sign. Introspection might be needed here.

2) Does my curiosity serve anybody other than me?

Whole vocations are founded on curiosity. Sherlock Holmes, the archetypal detective, was curiosity personified. Similarly, we have asked journalists, scientists, novelists, income tax officials and other such professionals to be curious on behalf of society. Their curious noses benefit us.

Of course, we can still be curious for purely selfish reasons. But this question makes us aware that we are pursuing this emotion for our own sake, without attributing altruistic intentions to it. And this brings us to the next question.

3) Does my curiosity serve AT LEAST me?

In the spectrum of emotions, curiosity is labeled as a positive emotion. Logically, it must lead to a positive outcome. But will it always? Human relationships are fragile, prone to damage. That's why curiosity can just as easily imprison you as liberate you.

You might want to know whether your spouse is having an affair. But will you be empowered or disempowered by the answer? At the end of the quest, would you rather have not known the answer? You might experience curiosity when you hold the first cigarette in your hand. But do you want to satiate it? What unforeseen consequences lie in wait?

The worst thing you can do is play a game in which everybody loses, including you.
 

4) Does my curiosity encroach upon somebody's privacy?

This is perhaps a strange question to ask in an era when people willingly use social media to invite people into their private spaces. However, the keyword here is "willingly." Just because somebody changes their profile picture twice a day, we cannot assume that we can post their picture on social media. 

We often confuse our notion of privacy with the other's. For us, sex might be a private thing. For the other, their religious beliefs might be more private than what they do in the bedroom. So asking them a question about religion might come across as offensive.

It's better not to make assumptions about what the other considers inappropriate. Especially at the beginning of any relationship. When we make a new friend, we are better off assuming we know nothing about their value system.

In conclusion

So how do we keep our curious inner child alive while respecting boundaries and regulating our behaviour? 

As a counselor, I've been trained to ask my client questions of concern instead of questions of curiosity. Both sets of questions have the potential to make a connection with the other person. The former establishes empathy, the latter not so much.

It seems like our therapy models have figured out something important. Like a therapist, we needn't assume that we must know something in order to connect. Instead of treating the client like a puzzle, the therapist constantly sees them as a mystery. Still a puzzle, but an unsolvable one.

There is an advantage to seeing anybody - even our loved ones - as unsolvable puzzles. In this approach, we introduce a sense of mystery to the human being. Isn't that wonderful? When we see the known person as an unknown entity, we reintroduce freshness in the relationship. We wonder about them. We revel in the mystery. And our curiosity stays alive.

Because curiosity can't exist in the known. It always belongs to the beautiful unknown.

Keeping my own counsel

There are a few excuses for staying away from this blog. None of them is convincing. Perhaps I should open with this one: after nine years of anonymous struggle, I now have a contract with one of the biggest publishing houses in India. Ergo, my novel titled Behind the silicon mask will be released sometime soon. Not later than Jan 2013, I hope. It's a thriller linked to the Indian IT industry, set in a city in the American Midwest. It has been written with the mass audience in mind and should do quite well. So much for that one.
The other big excuse is that I am now studying to be a counselor. Over the past few months, people have been approaching me for counseling and, although they generously declared that I was being helpful, it occurred to me that my potential ineptitude might be affecting them. So I decided to go about it the right way. Learn the theoretical ropes and thereby be certain about the process and effectiveness of my counseling. And now I'm officially a student of this complex craft (I'm told nobody ever becomes its master).
At this juncture, I have learnt a few commandments applicable in the field. And they are so interesting that I feel compelled to share them with you right away. Here they are:

1) Thou shalt not solicit
A mantra that, ironically enough, applies equally to sex workers in Singapore!! Ply your trade but do not solicit clients. In other words, a counselor must never counsel unless a counselee asks for counseling. Assuming that a person needs assistance is out of the question. So don't try to fix your family member, neighbor or that cute dog-walker from across the street. They are all fine. Perhaps your tendency to spot problems in them points to your own problems.

2) Thou shalt listen
D-uh, right? Of course, a counselor must listen. But how? Answer: attentively, non-judgmentally, expertly and empathetically. This requires the counselor to sideline all the nonsense he has received and all the nonsense he doles out. He must ignore all the values he believes in and all the "truths" he stands by. In comparison, it's easier to start a religion.

3) Thou shalt not solve
A human being is not a Rubik's cube or the possibility of a unified theory of physics. He isn't an equation that must be cracked or a code that must be deciphered. He exists in his own cocoon of perfection. Even if he does ask for advice, the counselor must suppress his own know-it-all gene and, if required, suggest actions that the counselee may or may not accept. Everybody is born with an innate ability to solve his own problems. The counselor must either be a catalyst in this process or nothing at all.
3a) Thou shalt not understand
This commandment is especially confounding for most of us. Having accepted that another human being cannot be "solved," let's take one step further into the darkness and accept that we have zero ability to understand anybody else. Oh, sacrilege! People married for half a century might turn around and quip: 'But I understand my spouse perfectly!' Really? Then why did he or she behave in a manner inexplicable to you last Tuesday? Claiming to "understand" another person is akin to claiming to understand the nature of the universe. People are the way they are because of the lives they led. At best, you stayed by their side for a decent spell. Even twins baffle each other by their behavior. So the counselor must, at all times, desist from using the phrase: 'I understand.' The counselor cannot wholly, fully, completely, comprehensively understand. Yes, he does his best to understand the counselee. He perhaps even succeeds to a great extent, but end of the day, all he can really do is help the counselee understand himself.

4) Thou shalt be self-aware
I pondered long and hard whether to put this commandment at the top or the bottom of the list. The bottom won. In many ways, this is the cardinal commandment. You cannot counsel unless you have a certain grasp of yourself. You must make attempts to know your demons, your dark alleys, your neural mazes. Again, you need not "solve" yourself. You just need to bring self-awareness into the complex process of counseling. Once you know your own truth-filters, you will listen attentively and non-judgmentally. Once you realize your own imperfections, you will neither solicit counselees nor try to solve them. Once you accept that you cannot wholly understand yourself, you will not feel the dire need to understand others. Instead, you will treat yourself and others as works in progress. And you will be able to offer your humaneness to the person seated on the other side of the table. In most cases, that will suffice.

That's all I've learnt so far. Many more lessons are in the offing. And I just might be tempted to publish them in this blog as I sputter along this chosen path.Meanwhile, gnothi seauton. That's apparently Latin for Know Thyself.